


I loved you, Mary

by Kathia_221b



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, F/M, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving On, One final goodbye, Parenthood, Post-Episode: s04e02 The Lying Detective, Post-Episode: s04e03 The Final Problem, Post-Season/Series 04, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:19:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24356443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kathia_221b/pseuds/Kathia_221b
Summary: One last goodbye written in a letter, by John H. Watson
Relationships: Mary Morstan & John Watson, Mary Morstan/John Watson, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	I loved you, Mary

**Author's Note:**

> Set soon after season 4

I loved you.

I truly did.

You were the best possible thing to happen in my life when I met you. You brought back brightness to my life. You made everything a little brighter when everything seemed dark. You were a constant when my whole world shattered into pieces. You picked me up when I’ve fallen. 

I was so alone and I owe you so much.

You don’t know this, but these are the exact words that I said on Sherlock’s grave after the funeral. And that’s what this letter is. A funeral. Of everything we’ve been, and everything we could’ve been. Of everything we gave each other and what we didn’t. Mostly what we didn’t.

I wish you had trusted me. I wish you’d let me in with your past.

And I wish I hadn’t been such a fool to believe that the problems of your past were your business. 

They weren’t. They never were. They affected me as much as they affected you, and most of all they affected our daughter whom we were supposed to keep safe.

We both made mistakes. We both lied to each other. 

I hadn’t had the chance to say it, and believe me, I wanted to. I wanted to do this in person. 

I cheated on you. I cheated on you, Mary.

It was just texting. That was all. And that girl just smiled at me. I had had a plastic daisy in my hair from playing with Rosie and that’s all it took. 

That’s when I realized how broken we were.

That I was so alone in our marriage, to the point that I sought affection outside something that should’ve provided it.

That we were trying to make broken things work. 

I hadn’t had decided then yet, but I think, that soon enough, I would’ve left you. Because there was no ‘us’ anymore. 

But there was Rosie.

I love her with all my heart and I know you did too. 

She’s the only good thing that came from us.

The truth is, we never could’ve been happy. It was all a façade. I just hadn’t seen it. Too close to the picture, they say?

But I see it now.

That no matter how happy we used to be, it wasn’t pure happiness as it should be. 

That no matter how we were committed to each other, we couldn’t have the whole of one another.

That we weren’t fully in our relationship.

You were afraid of me discovering terrible things about you.

I was afraid of admitting that I loved someone else.

At this point, I can’t say that you’ve ever had my whole heart. I suppose you had known that already, after all you left us that tape. That you had known what we’ll become. That you had known, what was going on inside my heart before me. And you were right.

I’m in love with Sherlock Holmes.

There it is.

To this day I ask myself why I married you. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have made the promises I couldn’t keep, because I cared about you. I shouldn’t have given you hope.

When I made that decision, he was dead. I could move on.

When he came back, it was too late.

Would he came back a day earlier, we wouldn’t have made that mistake.

I am sorry. For all the hurt that I’ve caused you because I couldn’t face my emotions.

I am sorry for breaking the promises I’ve made.

I am sorry for not truly being all yours. I get that now, that, even before, I was his all along. 

He is my best friend. You were too.

I love him. I loved you too.

He’s the love of my life. I can’t say the same about you, although you truly were ‘the best what could’ve possibly happen to me’. 

I miss you, Mary. Maybe this letter says otherwise, but believe me, I do. You were my friend, and maybe if fate wasn’t so cruel, we would be something better than a broken marriage built on lies. 

Maybe there wouldn’t be Rosie, but I love her and I wouldn’t trade her for a world, so I suppose that had had to happen this way.

I can promise you to take care of her. To raise her the best way I can. I’ll build her a life she deserves. A loving home. Loving parents. 

I’ll move back in with Sherlock. He’s great with her. I wish you could see it. She will be smart, like you and him, and she won’t be lonely. That she never will be. She will have all the support she needs to become a wonderful, strong woman like her mother was.

I can’t say that I understand why you decided to jump in front of that bullet. I don’t always understand you. But your last words could as well be mine now. 

Thank you, Mary.

I think you knew that I wouldn’t survive losing him again. And that as long as I am with him, near him, I’ll be fine. And I believe you when you said that you wish me to be happy. So I’ll try.

I’ll tell him. 

It won’t be like the last time when I prolonged it to the point that it was too late. I feel awful now for assuming then that he was a sociopath when it became clear that he’s anything but. We both changed. We both endured much, we both learnt the value of life and time. And in the end, I know that we will be okay. There’s only facing our hidden emotions left now.

I truly hope that we’ll become what you believed we would.

You will always have a special place in my heart and I will always be grateful for everything you did for me and Rosie.

Love,  
John

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's it. My first work.  
> I was given a theme - hope.  
> What will happen next? Nobody knows. It's up to them.
> 
> Let me know if you liked it!  
> Love,  
> Kathia


End file.
